The Scene In Which Starbucks Goes Suicidal

Recently I was lamenting that I hadn't had a blog-worthy Starbucks visit in awhile- which seemed strange, as I've been frequenting them on a basis that many would, and do, deem as insanity (last week the record was three meetings at different Starbucks in one day?).

"Hah!" the universe said to my lament. "Fear not, for I will throw weird new Starbucks music and a cast of blog-worthy characters your way, posthaste!"

And it was so.

Following the tragedy that was Valentine's Day music at Starbucks, it seems the stores have introduced a new genre to their stores: "Let's Go Kill Ourselves."

I first noticed this two weeks ago, as I sat with Mother, Younger Brother, and Friend S at a Starbucks.

During a lull in the conversation, the sad strains of the overly dramatic violins cast a pallor over our table.

"Um, does this song make anyone else want to go kill themselves?" I questioned.

"No kidding!" Mother said.

"It sounds like one of those songs in the black-and-white movies," said Friend S.

"Yeah, one of those movies where the woman kills herself at the end!" Younger Brother chimed in.

"By jumping from a balcony!"

"Yes! She's standing there...."

"Gazing out over a rolling sea...."

"In a long white dress with a scarf wrapped around her neck, blowing in the wind..."

"And then the camera cuts back to the apartment and the cat sitting on the couch....."

"And the wind blows the curtains in from the open door...."

"And then it goes back to the outside, and there's nothing on the balcony but the scarf, caught in the metal rail...."

"And then over the horizon on the rolling sea, the fisherman boat she thought was lost forever carrying her lover appears!"

(music swells to hideous crescendo)

"And then the credits roll."