The Scene In Which My Mom Does Not Like Pina Coladas

I've been vacationing in Florida for the past, oh, week or so (I know, rough life) and this Friday, my parents arrived from Chicago for their vacation week. We overlap for a few days, so we're staying in the same apartment room at the lovely small island resort we love so much.

To welcome them to their first day in the sun on Saturday, I whipped up a batch of my now-famous strawberry pina coladas, and, as you'd naturally expect, treated them to a loud, somewhat off-key rendition of "IF you LIKE Pina Coladas....."

To which my mother announced, in a fit of years-held-back disdain, that she "HATES that song."

"Seriously?" I asked (since I'd been singing it all week.)

"Oh my GOD, yes," she replied. "That guy is such a douchenozzle!"

Let's pause momentarily in appreciation of the fact that my mom not only knows, but uses, phrases like "douchenozzle." Because it pertains to later usage, here are Mom's definitions of the phases of "douchiness."
A douche is just kind of like your average idiot.
A douchebag is somebody that actually causes me some problems, like somebody in traffic who cuts me off.
And a douchenozzle is just a breath away from being a dickhead, or possibly an immediate elevation to major dickhead.

You heard it here first.

Back to the story.

I couldn't get the song out of my head, so I kept on singing and that's when we started coming up with all the douchiest lyrics in the song and rating them on levels of doucheness. My helpful dad looked up, and then began to read aloud, the lyrics. My mom inserted helpful appropriate remarks.

I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long. (DICK, she muttered under her breath.)
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song.
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed.(OH, yeah, NICE, she's laying right next to you, you jerk.)
And in the personals columns, there was this letter I read:

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain. (I mean, come on! She's looking for someone with half a brain and then later, he doesn't realize that it means SHE THINKS HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE?!)
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
I'm the love that you've looked for, write to me, and escape."

I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean.(Yeah. Douche. )
But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine. (Asshole. Anyone who calls their girlfriend their "old lady" is automatically a douchenozzle.)
So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad.
And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half-bad. (Right.)

"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.
At a bar called O'Malley's where we'll plan our escape." (See? SEE?? Already planning to ditch her. What an douche.

So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew". (See, this relationship is already doomed. How do you NOT know these things? BAD COMMUNICATION.And they're both willing to be adulterers.)

"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes on the cape.
Then you're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
I'm the love that you've looked for, come with me, and escape."

At this point my dad offered up a philosophical question. The narrating man may have been willing to cheat on his "old lady," but was she the bigger douchnozzle for having been the first one to place a personal ad??

My mom pondered this for a moment.

"No, I guess just deserve each other."